A Dream Shattered

It is December 22nd.  Her contractions are five minutes apart…she is only in her eighth month of pregnancy according to her calculations, the seventh, according to the Doctors.

She enters the hospital and is put into a delivery room. Something is not quite right……

The nurses do all the necessary exams. Checking for the baby’s heartbeat, how far dilated the mother-to-be is and her blood pressure. There are quiet hushes as medical staff move through the room.

The Head of Labour and Delivery comes in to the room to do an ultrasound to see what is going on with the baby. He is quiet and thorough.

There is no heart beat. The baby has passed away in utero…….

At that moment, time stands still, the Doctor is explaining what may have happened, but everything is in slow motion. The women’s mind is racing trying to comprehend what she has been told.

The baby will have to be delivered naturally and the exact cause of death will be confirmed after the birth.

The woman’s dreams are shattered. She is in a state of shock, numb with the news. Lost in a sea of emotions that she cannot even describe.

The nurses come in to console the woman, they end up crying. The woman explains that she has yet to experience the joy of bringing a live child into the world. 

The tears the nurses sheds are created from an emotional place that the woman has yet to experience. She thanks the nurses for their caring and compassion. The nurses hug her and leave the room.

As the woman sits in her room waiting to be moved out of the maternity ward, she reflects on the enormity of what has happened.  All she ever wanted was to be a Mum.  What was she going to tell her parents?  This was going to be their first grandchild…

The tears are streaming down her face uncontrollably, a river of emotions pouring out trying to cleanse her Soul.

As she turns to look out into the darkness of the night, an intuitive thought washes over her. This is part of the Divine plan and in time this will all make sense. Self- compassion, love and time will help heal her broken heart…

The woman in the story was me, almost 25 years ago…

The dream of being a Mum, to children, never materialized for me.  I eventually divorced, my then husband, within two years.  Our lives seemed to have gone in different directions.    

The gift of not having a child became evident during the divorce.  We didn’t have to worry about child custody, support payments, visitation etc. The Universe has a way of balancing things out and has a much bigger plan for us.    

While my dream of having children would never come to pass in this lifetime, I have had opportunities to be a mother in other ways.

I have been an amazing Momma to two lovely Shar Pei dogs over the years, Ching Ching and Kiwi, and I am taking care of my 85 year old Mum who has dementia.                                                               
The healing of my broken heart has been a constant in my life’s journey and for the most part it has healed.  There will always be a that faint crack in my heart, reminding me of that day in December and I cherish always.  It is part of who I am and what makes me whole.                                                                                                                                                                                              
Everything does happen for a reason.  I know this to be true.  My extraordinary life could never have unfolded the way it has if I had delivered a baby 25 years ago.
While the dream I had back then was shattered, many more of my dreams have come true and I would not change a thing.                                                                


13 thoughts on “A Dream Shattered

  1. Feeling in the presence of both the tragedy in this loss and the deeper knowing that the universe sometimes has other plans for us. While my own dream of motherhood never came to pass, I too, have been mother to many. Noting the synchronicity and grateful for your post.

  2. I am so touched by your writing and sharing this. When I was on a maternity ward, another woman nearby was moved off the ward for this very reason and I had such enormous depth of feeling for her. As you say, things do happen for very good reasons. I hope it helped to write about it.

  3. Beautifully brave and gracious writing Helen, and the ability to find reason and philosophy after such emotional pain, shows great strength in your spirit. I have much respect for you sharing this.

    1. Tears are welling up in my eyes Ben. Thank you so much for your kind words and for reminding me of the strength of my Spirit. Your words mean more than you can imagine. Enjoy a wonderful day! 😉

  4. Helen I resonate with your story and feel so blessed that, like you, tragedy in my life was accompanied by a rising of my spirit.

    I salute and celebrate your awesome courage and resilience and feel your shining spirit, all beautifully burnished by the grit of life xxx

    1. I think we are Soul Sista’s Kamini. The rising of our Spirits brought about by events that hit our hearts full force. I love the words “all beautifully burnished by the grit of life.” Kind of reminds me that life events are like the grit in an oyster creating a pearl. Big hugs to you!

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